In my last blog I urged you to ‘Strap on the Seatbelt and Have the Conversation.’ But what happens when the going gets really tough? As in when the person on the other end of the conversation isn’t quite playing by your set of rules?

Fact is we need to have the tough conversations. We often resist having them because they represent an obstacle or concern that may be difficult to confront – whether it is dealing with a personal conflict,   patterns of behavior, or figuring out whose version is more realistic. Failing to engage in these conversations means we are avoiding important issues, and possibly letting a problem become worse. We need to have these conversations and we need to manage them with intelligence, tact and perspective.

Sometimes it is our own rules of engagement that get in the way…not just the other person. Perhaps we get so focused on proving a point that our counterpart has no choice but to take an equally strong position on the matter. As Newton observed, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. How true is that?

The desire to solve problems is hard wired into us it seems…and so we often jump to conclusions about people’s behavior based on our own view of the world. Consider a conversation about eating habits at the family dinner table:

Mum: Madelaine, could you please eat some of your beans?

Madelaine: No. Beans are stupid. (Arms folded, looking away).

Mum: I told you not to eat so many snacks before dinner… Eat 3 beans or it’s time out.

Madelaine: Fine! (Storms off to her room, dinner unfinished, family members shocked & silent)

So what happened? I had concluded that Madelaine was being unreasonable and stubborn. I saw she wasn’t eating her beans, assumed reasons why, and took decisive action. First I diagnosed the Problem (Step 1) and took Action (Step 2). Rather than gathering a bit more intelligence on her behaviour I escalated the matter based on my assumptions by demanding compliance. So off to her room she stormed, dinner disrupted and problem unresolved. Not an optimal outcome!

I think a lot of us are hardwired to jump to conclusions based on our initial interpretation of an issue.  Our typical reaction is to head for a solution based on gut feel without stopping to think about what is behind the position that someone is taking.

To increase the likelihood that our words or response will effectively address the presenting behavior, it is helpful to delay taking action until we have a chance to analyze why the person is behaving as they are.  Consider an alternate scenario at the family dinner table:

Mum: Madelaine, could you please eat some of your beans?

Madelaine: No. I hate stupid beans (arms folded, looking away).

Mum: Really? You usually don’t mind beans. Why such a fuss?

Madelaine: They are too squishy. Yuk! And sides, Dad put pepper on them. I hate pepper. And last week dad said Willy (brother) didn’t have to eat his beans. So no fair I have to eat mine!

Mum (with sideward glance to father): so if I cook them less, lose the pepper, and make sure your brother eats his, then will you eat your beans?

Madelaine: Yup.

OK. I will admit being prone to occasionally overcooking a vegetable. Sometimes there’s a yellow police tape around them. Anyway, the second scenario involves a couple of added steps to find out what issues lay below the surface. Those four steps involve diagnosing the Problem (Step 1), understanding Why (Step 2), figuring out Options (Step 3) and establishing an Action Plan (Step 4) to avoid the problem in future .  It takes more work, but it has a few advantages. For one it helps to promote understanding. It takes the focus off the stated position (will not eat beans), creating the opportunity for productive dialogue, and hopefully arriving at a resolution. The conversation will focus on tackling the problem – rather than tackling the person.

We are often advised to trust our intuition and go with our instincts. But this can be dangerous especially when we are dealing with personal relationships. When our instincts are wrong feelings will get hurt, and relationships will get damaged.

If the other person is being positional, taking a moment to diagnose the underlying motives opens a new set of opportunities. While a daughter refusing to eat beans is not at face value a high stakes situation, we are still talking about relationships. And the example shows that until we more carefully examine why someone is behaving in a particular way we cannot know with certainty what is truly motivating the behavior.

This strategy really works. Bean there…done that.

Have you ever initiated a conversation and then watched it stray off course? You blurt out something and then wish a suction device could kick in and hoover back the offending words … let you start all over?
We are all familiar with conversation trigger phrases like ‘You always…’ or ‘You never…’ or my personal favorite ‘Will you just relax!’ Those words can derail a conversation in a hurry.
Have you ever had that helpless feeling as an adrenalin surge robs you of rationality and your emotions spin out like a donkey on a skating rink? Your mind races for what to say next, making it all but impossible to consider what the other person is attempting to convey? Chances are you won’t even remember why you started the conversation – which is now fast becoming an argument! This is what happens when we feel threatened or face something unpleasant – the reptilian part of our brain kicks in and we secrete hormones that trigger fear and aggression – not exactly conducive to a productive conversation.
The problem is that once the words leave your lips … they are officially out there. And, instead of advancing understanding, ill-chosen words may lead you on a conversational hell ride that will hurt rather than help important relationships – whether with family, friends or co-workers.
Wouldn’t it be better to send all those destructive phrases and unproductive thought patterns to the conversational recycle bin and replace them with new conversation strategies that will prove constructive not destructive?
Conversations are so commonplace that it is easy to forget the power they carry. They are at the heart of all relationships – whether as individuals or society at large. Conversations provide direction, inspiration, and understanding. They can also erode self-worth, sap our energy and spark divorce proceedings.
Given the important role conversations play in our lives, might we be better off paying more attention to how we have them? One thing is for sure: every conversation is taking us somewhere. Do you know where your conversations are taking you?
When you think about it having any conversation is a bit like driving someplace you have never been. Your options are to just ‘wing it’ in the spirit of the old adage that says ‘Half the fun is getting there!’ And while it may be more exciting to take the route with the steep hills, sharp corners and hidden intersections chances are that you may get lost, run out of gas and spend time in places where you don’t want to be. Wouldn’t it be better to have the route and the destination more clearly in mind at the start of the conversation – be it the road to greater understanding, reconciling differences, or a sparking a change in someone’s behavior? It all comes down to choices about how you listen and the words you use.
It sounds easy but really it is a constant challenge. For the first few years of our marriage our conversations took us careening down a lot of roads that we should have avoided. We each wanted to end up in the same place (having kids, living close to friends and family, building our careers) but we didn’t do well talking through how we were going to get there. All too often our conversations would lead to another spectacular crash and burn, as predictable as watching a rerun of Groundhog Day.
No one wants to take the conversational Highway to Hell. So what strategies can we employ at work and at home to prevent misunderstanding, diffuse conflict, create understanding and ultimately improve relationships? Here are a few ideas:
Listen with your H E A R T.

Hang Fire…don’t rush a response. Avoid the distraction of figuring out what you are going to say next while the other person is talking.

Empathize. Be careful not to let emotions rule how you act or how you choose your words. Suspend judgment as you seek to understand the other person’s point of view.

Ask Questions to Clarify. Allow the person to speak without interruption so you can ask better questions.

Rephrase. Use your own words to paraphrase what you have heard in order to get absolute clarity about what the other person is feeling.

Time. Take time in responding. Take some deep breaths or count to 5. Give yourself time to think and don’t be afraid of a silent moment before you speak.

Tough conversations are inevitable. We can choose to avoid them but the issues will remain. Instead of running the other way, we can use these strategies to give us the resolve and confidence we need to have the conversations that will move us forward to a better place. Acceptance is about becoming more open and receptive to what others have to say. We can be less reactive and listen with our HEART.

Editorial from Canadian Nurse Magazine, Volume 108
Celebrating National Nursing Week – May 2012

Our amazing profession bonds together wide-eyed new graduates and wily veterans alike because the work we do touches people in every community across this country. Some of us might have to travel a desolate logging road to a remote First Nation community or navigate the mayhem of a 16-lane highway during the daily commute, but once at our workplaces each of us makes a difference in the lives of those we provide care for.

We have the power to create a positive environment at work, at home and within ourselves. Having a sense of humour allows us to make an even bigger difference in our professional lives by helping us build connections with those around us. Humour also helps us deal with the curve balls that life tosses our way, and it helps us shift our perspective in those moments when life dares us to complain.

Some days we need a reason to laugh. Just look at what we’ve been through. Reorganizations and layoffs at work, and now the country is crawling its way out of an economic crisis. Those of us who were counting on Freedom 55 are thinking about Freedom 75 as a distinct possibility. Hey, we’ll still retire, we’ll still have money, but we’re going to have about 4½ months to enjoy it. So we should book that massage/tee time/bucket-list trip right now.

When I reflect on my nursing career, I realize that some of the best lessons on the power of humour and connections have come from patients. Heidi was booked to have a mastectomy, and while I was checking her in we chatted about my escapades that morning. I told her how I’d lost my dog on a run, about the chaos I’d gone through to recover the lost creature and how I’d arrived at work late and completely frazzled. Heidi loved the story. There had not been much laughter in her life recently — she was tired of people asking her about her condition. She wanted to make the best of each day, no matter how she felt. On a lot of days, she did not feel well at all. But she didn’t want to be treated any differently because of her illness.

Heidi went on to tell me about the wig collection she had assembled since undergoing chemo. Apparently, her husband loved the wigs. Although he didn’t care if Heidi had hair on her head or not, he felt as though he was dating a new character —“Simone” the redhead, “Roxy” the blonde and “Juanita” the brunette — whenever she put on a different wig.
Heidi was finding some fun in the midst of a difficult situation. She embraced the positive as her way of fighting back. As she so bravely put it, “you can’t get cancer of the spirit.”
It is patients like Heidi who make what we do worthwhile and remind us of the importance of putting humour into our work and making connections with others. They are what we need to get us to kick the covers off in the morning.
The next time you are tempted to complain, remember to look for the laughter in the situation and shift your perspective: put your chest out, life your chin up and say, Bring it on!

Those who know me know I don’t do nothing well. As in sitting around, doing nothing.

So when my husband and I got invited to spend a weekend north of San Francisco with friends, I thought Bring it on! I began plotting how I was going to cram each hour of each day so full of activities that there wouldn’t be a single dull moment. So I fired off a few questions… is there a golf course, tennis court, shopping near by or any hope of swimming?

There was a tennis court but it was overgrown with trees in the forest. A golf course and shopping were hours away. Swimming would be in the ocean along side great whites and about 50 degrees. The packing list called for a tuque and a heavy windbreaker…that’s about it.

Our destination: Bolinas, California. Apparently residents take a dim view of tourists. So whenever the Dept of Highways puts up a road sign for Bolinas, locals rise up, hop in a VW microbus and tear it down. Residents of the town take pride that in 2007 the New York Times labeled it the ‘Howard Hughes of towns’. All of which is OK if you can navigate your way with directions like ‘veer left at Zen temple’ or ‘hard right at the hemp farm’.

We wended our way up through the hills on switchback roads, finally emerging on to the coast and the most dramatic meeting of land and sea imaginable. Somehow the 14 of us made it to our remote enclave that afternoon, where we reunited in an 80 km wind that added to the ruggedness of the landscape.

I took a quick inventory: middle of nowhere; dead cell phone; limited amenities. My mind was racing. Maybe Andy had secretly lured me into some kind of California cult?
And right about then someone put a glass in my hand and told me to take a drink. I warily raised it to my lips as the image of that Kool Aid smiley face came to mind. I took a small sip. Chardonnay…now were talking!

It occurred to me how remarkable this was: how we all managed to take five days out of our hectic lives for no reason other than to rekindle friendships. Imagine flying from New Zealand for the long weekend? That is just what Peggy and Dave did. It piqued my curiosity to think just how far we had collectively travelled…105,116 km of air travel alone! Al Gore and carbon footprints aside, that says something about the power of friendships.

Still it remained to be seen how group dynamics would work. Many had known each other pretty much their entire live while others among us were relative newcomers. Odds were that this reunion of long lost pals could end up turning into one of those jaunts down memory lane where you hear endless tales of youthful bravado like Springsteen laments in ‘Glory Days’.

But that isn’t how it went. If fact the stories shared were very much in the present. Many were to do with teens and coping with their inevitable shenanigans, or health issues or ageing parents. It was therapeutic to realize that we weren’t alone in our challenges.

At the same time it served a stark reminder that life is racing by. While Steven Hawking has theories on the space-time continuums, for me having a weekend like this was an opportunity to slow time down just a little. We had no set agenda. Instead we had the time to breathe deep, read a book, take in a Zen meditation and walk for miles at our own pace…having the conversations we chose to have. Those simple pleasures are often lost or forgotten in our daily routine. Pleasures that, on reflection, are what make any day that much more meaningful and important.

I guess what comes clear is that as we age we tend to see similarities in others rather than the differences. Not sure what it is – wisdom, compassion or just being more open. Suddenly conversations on the beach or over a long lazy dinner are more impactful and authentic.

As is often said, life is about the journey, not the destination. It is about the memories and shared experiences, not the things we collect or acquire. Turns out what I enjoyed most was not being in a rush to get to the next activity. Sitting at my perch high above the beach staring out onto the Pacific was everything I could ask for.

In the end doing nothing served as permission to slow down, take time in conversation, and let the day settle into its own natural rhythm. Doing nothing – if that is what it is called – let me experience more.

As Woody Allen says Ninety percent of life is just showing up. So when the call comes to spend time with people who you love…be sure to show up. Don’t sweat it if the golf is sub par, the shopping second hand, or the waters shark infested. Just ask a simple question – are these people I can be happy doing nothing with?

All in all, I did doing nothing very well, thank you very much. Call it my career best.

Spring has arrived. And as I peer out the living room window, I see stark reminders of the things that need tending. The lawn, for one, is already a mass of weeds. Over to the right I notice the driveway – all cracked and heaving. Finally, there is the sight of our 1999 Toyota van – so beaten and rusty that to call it a rust bucket is actually an insult to buckets. As I contemplate the cost of lawn service and a paint job I find myself praying for a fresh blanket of snow to make it all go away.

Kids, on the other hand, need far more regular tending than the lawn or the van. Falling behind on kid maintenance is definitely not a good idea. Anyway, as a mother of two teens I have come to accept that from time to time my little darlings are going to make their share of missteps. I know I sure did. One misstep took place this past Saturday, beginning with a late night call that started with the words “Do you have a daughter named…”which is never good. After being told of a series of unfortunate events I hung up, took a few deep breaths and peeled myself off the ceiling.

So first things first, you get to the bottom of the story. Picture me in the likeness of Lady Justice without the blindfold, doing my best to find a balance of truth and justice in the trial of my 17 year old daughter. Getting the truth is the easy part because, frankly, my kids are rank amateurs when it comes to weaving a tale of deception. I don’t need to be a detective to make mince meat of their alibis. That I can do blindfolded! The problem is getting the justice part right. In other words exactly what formula should we use to discipline our young miscreant? How short do we have to make their leash? How many freedoms do we revoke?

In the past we have tried ‘forgive and forget’ (doesn’t work) and threatened banishment to private school (not credible). So, our usual pattern is to come down hard – a combo pack that invokes grounding, cutting off use of the van, and a ban on sleepovers until the next sighting of Halley’s Comet. Problem with this approach is we then get locked into a home edition of the Cold War where she communicates only via text message and where family dinners have the ambience of a funeral parlour. We, the judge, jury and jail guards, end up being punished by virtue of having to share the same jail cell as our young perp! How is that for justice? After a few weeks of these frosty conditions we capitulate. The matter gets swept under the carpet and early parole is granted to the young inmate despite any real evidence of reform or repentance.

Are we too lenient? Are we giving our kids more leash than we should? Let’s face it, when it comes to parenting there is no standard playbook. But as I think about it no matter what form the discipline takes, if you do it in a fair and even handed manner, they may not like it but they will respect it, even if they won’t admit it. In fact it is probably one of the more important life lessons we can give our kids. Be hard on the problem, but easy on the people, as they say.

And so goes the parental paradox – giving kids your time, attention and the right measure of autonomy so they have the roots they will need when it comes time for them to pick up and take off on their own flight path.

Speaking of roots, as I look out the window at our unkempt lawn, it occurs to me that there might be some weed pulling in our daughter’s immediate future. And the van could sure use a wash!
As Oscar Wilde said “…the middle aged suspect everything, the young know everything’.